72 Days

I have had all sorts of wise and pithy text running through my head. But now as I sit here to write in my journal, words escape me. 72 Day of Intentional Living...72 days to stive to find balance by what I put in my body and put into my mind. As I was looking for inspiration tonite, I started reading quotes from, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am sure I will be referring back to this book several times. I am a great girl for quotes and bits of glittery inspiration. But the truth is, I feel like that is all my life is comprised of right now--glittery quotes, snazzy texts, tweets ect. I am living my life in bits and pieces and not living it true. I am whiny and needy...God help the kind of sorta man I have in my life at present. He is patient with me. And why, I don't know. I don't think he knows either. I don't know where to start but just jump right in at the beginning. Day 72 - You would think that starting out of the gate I would have had a wonderful, fulfilling day. It's been a bad one though. I want to use an Elizabeth Gilbert quote right of the bat, "Self esteem--Day Fucking 1" This is exactly how I feel...I feel like there is the giant chasm between where I am and where I want to be.I have to jump over, wade through or swing across my self doubt. No easy task. I am a great day dreamer. I have built my whole life on dreams of somedays and ultimate procrastinantions. I have accomplished somethings. I have raised a son alone. I am 44. Married at 21, mother at 22, divorced at 27. It was hard. Looking back these past couple of years since my son has moved out(he is doing well BTW)I feel as though I gave Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My son was/is a great child. But money was always tight. I would work day in and day out thinking....someday...someday...someday...just like The Little Engine that Could. Problem is, I am still climbing that mountain. And I am my own worst enemy. From body issues(weight) to intimacy and trust issues, job, focus...you name it, I got it. And actually, that's ok. I have made progress. I am more conscience of what I put into my body and SOME of these thing I feed my mind and heart on as well. I guess day 72 is to define an objective: I want to learn to LOVE ME. I want to learn to be as kind to myself as I am to a stranger on the street. This kind of love doesn't come from being a size 6 or 16. It doesn't come from a man, or a job or some other outside force. It comes from within. Like I said, what we feed our minds and bodies on. What we allow to trickle through our psyche and manifest in our day to day.So here goes nothing...but perhaps it will mean everything...